When kids get sick, we all suffer!  Yesterday M got took a 3 hour nap.  E went in to wake him up at 5pm and he was just lying there.  He asked him, "You OK bubby?"  M shook his head no.  E picked him up and M promptly barfed all over him.  I don't know which to be more thankful for, the fact that he threw up on E and not me or that E kept the vomit from getting all over the floor!  If M had thrown up on me, there would have been a whole lot more to clean up, I can tell you that for sure.  I do NOT do well with throw up.  Grandma always wanted me to be a nurse, but between the sympathetic puking and the passing out at the sight of blood, I don't think I would make a good one.  Well, anyway, the poor little man had a fever and slept through the night pretty well last night, although I was scared to death to leave him alone in his room.  He still had a fever this morning, but has finally been able to keep some tylenol down so the fever is almost gone and he is eating and drinking again.  He must be feeling better as he and J are wrestling each other all over the place!

Where am I going with this?  I am SO tired.  I don't even think I can comprehend how tired I am at this point.  I just don't sleep well when my kiddos are sick.  Does anyone?  Why is that?  I mean, our bedroom is right next to the kids.  I can hear just about every noise they make.  Yet, I lie there scared to death that I am not going to hear the one noise I need to hear.  It is just so scary being a parent.  I hope that all I am doing is what the kids need done.  Are any of us ever doing this right?  Am I the only one that feels this way?  Please tell me I'm not alone here!

Isolation

Now that the holidays are over and life is supposed to start calming down, I can reflect on how I am feeling. Honestly? I feel really lonely. I forgot how isolated having a new baby can make you feel. I know that I have friends, but I feel like I have barely seen anyone since Marshall was born, and honestly even before. Don't get me wrong, I will take the blame here, but that doesn't make it any easier. Part of the problem is that most of my closest friends live at least an hour away all the way up to another country completly. I don't blame them, I mean, you go where life takes you. It's just hard to get all three of the kids around a lot to go visit. Especially now that it is winter, the decent days to go visit are few and far between. I know in life, we all go our own way and all my friends have gone their's and I am SO happy for all of them. It just leaves me with a sense of isolation. Does that make sense? I used to go have all sorts of Mom's nights with friends. What happened to those? Maybe we could set one up sometime soon? Bottom line? I miss my friends...all of them.

Snip, Snip, End of the Road

Monday E got the big Snip Snip. He got along just fine, actually better than fine, he really got along great. He didn't have much pain and was back at work today (Thursday). He probably could have gone back yesterday, but the doc said no work until Thursday!

We now have 3 beautiful children. They are wonderful and we love them so much (see previous post!). We do not want to have any more children. If for no other reason, than I am not sure I could handle another pregnancy. My body didn't tolerate M very well at all. I am sure that I do not want any more. So why is there this part of me that is a little sad that I won't have any other babies and will never be pregnant again? Is this a little masochistic? I really have NO desire to be pregnant again and once M is through with the newborn stage, I am done with that too. But, there is just that part. That part that gets a little sad that I will never feel a baby kick me from the inside again. I will never feel him or her get hiccups again. I won't get to drive my friends and family crazy by not finding out the sex of the baby again. I will not get to diaper a baby with those tiny newborn size Pampers again. There is just something there that makes me truly sad. I don't know why. Is that normal? To want (if want is actually the word here) what you can't have?

We put up the Christmas tree this past weekend. It doesn't have a whole lot of ornaments on it as we are chasing J around the house with the few that are on there. I will put up the stockings (as soon as I find them) and the nativity scene. But, I just don't have a whole lot of Christmas spirit this year. One would think that with all that my family has been through this year, I would have Spirit coming out the Yin Yang. But, I don't. I tried listening to Christmas music this evening, and nothing. I don't know if I am just overwhelmed with all that has happened, that it is just too much. I feel really badly about it. The kiddos deserve a great Christmas and M will never have another first one. I just am not feeling it. Any advice???
Love,
Theresa

My Joy

I am a Facebook poster. I have a lot of friends on there and love that I can celebrate or vent as needed. Yesterday was a bad day in our house. Both girls were very difficult and Marshall wouldn't let me put him down without screaming bloody murder. It was a very difficult day. I was in tears half the day and I posted this on Facebook. Well, today I posted that I was determined to have a better day (which so far we have) and a Facebook friend (who shall remain nameless) posted the following:



"...There are alot of times I read ur updates and I feel that way about grown adults.. need a nap, constantly wining, asking the same questions a billion times, and my personal fav is do something to just make u mad cause they can... See this is y i am never having offspring.. I am surrounded by them... sigh..."



This makes me very sad as a mother and makes me doubt how good of a mom I am. Do I really complain about my children that much? I figure I must, which makes me sad. And why do I complain about them that much? I mean, it isn't their fault that they are all under the age of 4!



I hadn't planned on being a parent. To be honest, I hadn't really planned on ever getting married, until I met Eric. When I met him and got to know him though, I KNEW I wanted to marry him and have his children. This is a decision I do not regret at all. I honestly LOVE being a mom! I love that I get to spend my day playing with these 3 wonderful creatures of God. Sure, there are plenty (and I do mean PLENTY) of days that I doubt my abilities as a parent, but I have to believe that GOD would not have given me these lovely gifts if he did not trust and know that I could take care of them. He has made them my JOY. This JOY that fills my heart with a simple smile, an "I Love You", or a hug around the legs. There is no better JOY for me than these children. They help make me the person I am and for that, I am so thankful to God. I love these three children so much and I truly do not know why I complain about them. I guess that is just human nature, to complain about the JOYs we have in life. But, I need to do better. My children are my JOY and I need to share that feeling with the world, not complain about it.



So, thank you my Facebook friend for making me realize how much my children mean to me. Even if you do not want to have children, as that is completely your choice, know that I hope that you find the JOY in your own life. And that you let that JOY fill you up inside.



May you all find your Joy,

God Bless,
Theresa

To Be A Parent...

Anyone reading this that is a parent...have you ever just looked at your children and felt tears spring to your eyes? It doesn't matter how tired, frustrated, or just sick of it all you are, sometimes, they just make you want to cry with joy that they are yours! Jillian had been screaming since we came home from my MOPS Craft meeting, Layla couldn't decide if she wanted lunch or not and Marshall wanted to eat AGAIN and was crying. I got Jillian down for a nap, Layla chips and salsa (don't ask) and was feeding Marshall when I looked down and him and just felt my eyes tear up. Couldn't help it, almost started sobbing! I guess that is part of being a parent. It doesn't matter HOW crazy they make you, you can't help but love them!

The Mom's Fault

I know that parenting is a joint thing. At least it is in this house, I know not every family consists of 2 parents, but for my purposes it does. I am not demeaning single parents, they are awesome and do both Eric and my jobs. God bless them. Anyways, in OUR house, it is a joint thing. People watch our girls and we hear "oh they are so cute" or "They are SO well behaved" and along with that "You two have done such a great job with them." I love those comments. Don't get me wrong, I do. I'm glad that other people think our children our well behaved. Today however, I wish I had a video camera and could have filmed them for proof for my mom and dad who never believe me on this. Neither one was behaved...AT ALL! Now, I get to my title...why is this the MOM'S fault. I feel like people assume that since I am at home with the girls all day that it is MY fault if they do not behaved. But if they are angels, then WE are credited. I am not at all trying to lessen Eric's hand in their raising and I am sure that that is how this is coming out. He is a wonderful daddy, but it just gets frustrating. I guess I just wish that someone would say, "Hey Theresa, you are doing a great job. Your girls behave when they should. They are little girls, you know? You are a great mom!" Is that too much to ask? Is it awful that I want that? It probably is, but I guess sometimes I get tired of the thanklessness of this job and sometimes want some credit. OK, done feeling sorry for myself.

I went to the library yesterday and got several books. I got one knitting mystery (I love them, guilty pleasure), 2 Chick Lit books, and Pride & Prejudice and The Joy Luck Club. So, I will get started on my wanting to expand my reading. The cool thing is that at the library, they had a list of the Library Journal's Top 150 20Th Century Fiction Titles. I think I am going to attempt to read as many as I can instead of picking random classics. This at least gives me a list to go by. I won't necessarily get them all read this year, but as many as I can get. I have read some of them. If they have an * by the title, I plan to read them again because it has been awhile since I last read them; if not, I have read them in the past 5 years or so. Let's see To Kill a Mockingbird*, Lord of the Rings, Gone With the Wind, 1984*, Animal Farm*, Charlotte's Web*, The Great Gatsby*, Native Son*, A Farewell to Arms*, All Quiet On The Western Front*, The Sun Also Rises*, The Sound and the Fury*, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe, The Call of the Wild*, The Wind in the Willows*, and The Yearling*. Huh, I just realized that there are only 149 because they have A Farewell to Arms twice. Guess the library needs to do a better job proofing their pamphlets!

Well, I hope that you have all had a great first Saturday of 2009. God Bless.
Love,
Theresa