I have decided that I need to make some changes in my perspective of myself. I don't think it is a secret that I am working really hard in the gym (this past week excluded, but give me a break, I have had a kidney stone). I have been trying to watch my diet. I try to be a kind person, a good mother, a great wife, and a constantly learning child of God. But I realized something about myself yesterday. I was determining my self-worth by my appearance. I can not even begin to express how much this bothers me. I have 2 daughters and I do NOT want them to determine their self-worth by the way they look. I have a baby boy that I do NOT want to him view a woman's self-worth solely based on her appearance. I know that if I am viewing myself this way, then I am just teaching them that it is appropriate. This is absolutely NOT okay.
Yesterday, I completely broke down on my mom. I started crying and told her how I was feeling and the I just was so tired of stressing about how I looked and what I weighed and I just don't understand why it had to be this difficult. She lovingly reminded me that I am a kind person, a wonderful mother, a good wife, a great daughter and granddaughter, and that everyone likes me (these are her words, not mine). My mom is a pretty blunt individual. She doesn't lie. If she feels that way, I know that that was how she felt. Well, I then had a 2 hour drive home while the kids watched movies and slept to think to myself about what I was doing. I thought about my diet, my relationships, and myself. I came to these conclusions:
My diet is just not working. I think the biggest problem is that I am working out so much and I am just NOT getting enough food following Weight Watchers. Also, to be honest, I HATE counting all the time. I have become obsessive about it. And I find ways to cheat. I don't like that because then I feel badly about myself. SO, it is just not working. I couldn't sleep last night once I got home. I broke out my South Beach Diet books and gave them a read through. I remember why I LOVED the SBD. It was easy, I didn't have to count anything, it got rid of the belly fat us moms have problem with, and I got to eat meat and eggs. Those are two of my favorite things and I miss them. I can also drink milk, which I love. The only things I really missed on it were pasta and sweets, but you just find other ways to eat them. I decided that I am going back to it. So, starting tomorrow (I have to get to the store tonight to pick up some things!), I will be back on it and I am really excited. Besides, it could be my body needs a jolt because it is just used to the Weight Watchers and the food I eat on it.
My relationships don't really need work, but I really don't think that I enjoy them as much as I should. I have an amazing husband, incredible kids, and wonderful friends. I need to revel in them, enjoy the time I spend with them more. And although my relationship with God has improved SO much, it can always improve and I am very excited to work on this. I am using the Lenten season to help me with this.
Now myself, I think my view on it could use some work. I need to give myself some slack. I am what I am (Did anyone read that as Popeye? Because I certainly said it in my head as Popeye!). I need to learn that that is OK and good enough. Not that I can't improve, but I need to be happy with what I have and what I am. I am NEVER going to be a size 2. It is just not going to happen. I am never even going to look like my mom. I am built like my dad, I just need to get over it and be happy with who I am. I am never going to be a genius, I'm just not. I am never going to be the world's best cook. I am most likely never going to be a marathon runner. I have the goals I have and those goals are OK. I might be a knitwear designer one day. I might be a published author one day. I might be a size 8 one day. I hopefully will be able to run a 10K one day. I will enjoy my friends as we transition together from mommy, to mother, to mother-in-law, to grandmother, and hopefully great-grandmother. I will hopefully watch my children graduate and then eventually walk down the aisle toward the love of their life. I will hopefully enjoy my grandchildren the way I know my parents enjoy theirs. I will hold hands with my amazing husband until the day God calls one of us home. I don't have to be perfect. I'm the best that I am. To quote my mother, "I am a kind person, a wonderful mother, a good wife, a great daughter and granddaughter, and that everyone likes me."
To anyone that reads this, I am going to pay this thinking forward. Be happy with who you are. You are wonderful! God loves you. Your family loves you. Learn to love yourself!